I’ve been quiet on the blog again because I thought I had some exciting news to share and I didn’t want to do it until I got that BFP (big fat positive pregnancy test). As it turns out I’m very much not pregnant. So my last post was me in the middle of figuring my diet out and what the hold up was. I had intended to keep writing more to keep you updated but I woke up the next morning to a spike on my OvuSense chart and after a couple days it confirmed it! I had ovulated the day I wrote my last blog post. That’s the earliest ovulation I had had in a year! I was so excited. My temps were climbing and climbing and I had such weird symptoms that I’ve never had before. (Heavy full feeling uterus for 6 days, nipple tenderness before during and days after ovulation, high temperatures, etc.) At 7 dpo (days post ovulation) I had a temp spike and just knew I was pregnant. I couldn’t write a post during all this time because I didn’t know how to keep it a secret so I just stayed silent. I even had the elusive “implantation dip” on my chart!
The second week of my luteal phase (days 8-14 dpo) were complete and total hellish torture. I was so convinced I was pregnant last Saturday that I actually told my husband I was. He asked, “For real!? You took a test and it was positive!?!” And I had to laugh and say, “silly no it’s too early for it to show on a stick yet, but I just know it.” He looked at me like I was crazy but being the sweet husband he is he went along with it because I wouldn’t be convinced of anything else. He must have sensed that I had gone to the dark side. So Saturday was a great day. I felt wonderful and excited and I couldn’t wait to wake up the next morning and see my temps and take another 3 pregnancy tests (because of course if one is negative it must just be a faulty test…) And that’s when I had a major temp drop. I was in shock and mad as hell too. How did that happen, I was supposed to be pregnant! After googling things furiously I relaxed a bit because in some deep corners of the internet some woman had the same thing happen once and she turned out to be pregnant so take that. But now I was filled with doubt, it was like a poison. Or maybe the hope was the poison? From Sunday to Tuesday I was a total mess. I could not concentrate on anything else but what my body might be doing. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything but literally sit and wait and think (and Google). It was a roller coaster of hope/despair/hope/despair over and over again. I almost went to the labs place in town to get a blood pregnancy test done but ultimately decided against it because if it turned out I actually wasn’t pregnant I didn’t want to find out that way. It seemed too harsh. Then my chart showed another big dip down and it was time to face the music. (For the most part because still 1% of me thought I might still be pregnant because hope is a real bitch to kill). I felt that I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I had never had such hope and belief in a 2ww (two week wait) as I had this time but then to realize it was all in my head made me crazy.
Today finally and thankfully the torture is over. My period has come. And with it I thought I’d be heartbroken (and in a way I’m sure I am) but actually I feel relief. The guessing is over. Not knowing was so, so much worse than knowing. I know now and I feel at peace. I wouldn’t say I’m hopeful or excited to begin a new cycle but I’m at peace. I cleaned the house and I cooked and I went back to being regular me. I didn’t spend hours in the depths of Google, I didn’t waste $40 on pregnancy tests, I didn’t drive myself insane. I wasn’t as sad as I imagined but I think that’s just because I’ve been so all over the map emotions wise that I’m now at the acceptance stage. It is what it is. It wasn’t meant to be this time around.
Now it’s time to ask myself what did I learn from this experience? Number one: NEVER assume you are pregnant unless the baby is coming out of you 😂. Lesson finally learned on that 🤦♀️. Number two: never take a pregnancy test NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT IS before 14dpo (and wait even longer if you can) even if Becky from the bump forums of 2008 got her bfp at 9dpo….don’t do it!!! Number three: don’t tell your husband you are pregnant until you actually have the test that confirms it. Number four: infertility makes you crazy so cut yourself some slack.
Ugh I tell y’all what a fricken week. But the good news, though none of my fellow neighbors agree, is that we got our first snowfall yesterday. It’s crazy early and I know this fall has been cold and rainy and we haven’t had any decent weather and it probably means an extra extra long winter…I get that. But first snowfalls no matter when they happen are a happy day for me. It’s so pretty and white and calming to me. I actually love it. To be clear this doesn’t mean I want it to keep snowing. In fact I’m hoping it all melts soon and we have some kind of sunny day warm fall weather we still deserve but just for today I am enjoying this wondrous white blanket.
If you’ve been at this fertility journey awhile then you know you’ve gotta laugh when you can even if it’s at your own expense or dark humor. I’m not sure how copyright works so I don’t want to post anything that isn’t mine but Google image search infertility game and you’ll see a little game board all about common things you go through and I found it to be hilariously true. The tag line says: “Infertility: The Game (much more fun that a barrel of monkeys nay, more fun!!! Heartache disappointment and embarrassment all included [baby not included.]) haha anyway I got a big kick out of it because I’ve done most of the things on there and you gotta laugh or you’ll cry isn’t that the saying?
Best wishes to all you lovely people who know what I’ve been talking about on this post. I’ll be back to update again soon and will continue to make good food choices.
Peace ☮️ ✌🏼