I’ve been subbing in the same class all week and today was a tough one! The younger grades are harder for me especially at high need schools like the one I’m at this week. Things started off on a challenging note and unfortunately didn’t make any positive progress. That’s not to discount the great day I had with them yesterday or the fact that we will start fresh again tomorrow. But for today, here and now it took a lot of my patience. At lunchtime (btw I’ve remembered my crackers the past two days and the soup is much more palatable!) I knew it would be a glass of wine when I walk through the door kind of night. M is out of town for work and he even took Jackson so I’m all by myself. Usually the dog is still here so I never feel really alone but for the next two nights it is just me, myself, and I.
For me food equals everything. Great day at work? Let’s celebrate with food! Rough day? Let’s make ourselves feel better and indulge. Feeling sad or upset? Food can help with that too! But that was obviously a problem because I had no control over it. And I’m not claiming that after a month I’ve figured it all out. I haven’t. It’s definitely a process with challenges and successes. But I’m starting to have some control over how I deal with my emotions. I totally get how people say they can be addicted to food. I’d choose a big bowl of buttery popcorn over heroin erryday. But back to the topic on hand.
Somehow I’m starting to find the balance. I knew I’d have a glass of wine after a tough day tonight. But the key word there is glass. It used to be just wine. I’d have wine. And I could let my emotions tell me how much I could have. Oh you had a bad day? Drink as much as you want! Oh you’re home all alone? You poor thing! Order yourself a pizza, hell get the bread sticks too. Don’t get me wrong I still thought about ordering that pizza but now I want to save it for a time when I really really want it. Like if friends come over from out of town and want to order a pizza or if it’s the last day of school not just any old “bad day.” I love my job and I’m happy with it but honestly I can have many days like today in one month. I can’t fall victim to the mindlessness of saying yes to my emotions each time. What I’m trying to do instead is create a new habit where I try to calmly assess my feelings. How strongly do I really feel about what is going on (good or bad)? How can I use food which I love to help deal with these emotions (like having a glass of wine on a tough day) but also not let food take over (not drink a whole bottle)?
I say eat good quality things for your body all the time. Eat naughty things for your emotions in moderate proportions sometimes. Eat whatever and however much you want rarely, like on Thanksgiving. Just find the balance.