I really have no idea how many people read this blog. According to my stats page not very many haha but that’s ok because I write this blog for me. But today I’m hoping that someone who needs to read this post does. Someone that struggles with some of the same issues that M and I struggle with. Someone who needs to know that they aren’t alone. This week is infertility awareness week and while I personally don’t need a week to be “aware” of such issues as I live them everyday, the week is designed for women and families to be reminded that you aren’t alone. And that it’s a topic that you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of talking about.
I sadly know too many women/families that struggle with infertility and most of them do for different reasons. Some are like me and have PCOS, some have sperm issues, some are able to get pregnant but end up miscarrying, some don’t ovulate, and the list goes on. But we all have in common the fact that we want to start a family (or in some cases continue a family). We want the joy and struggles of being mommies and daddies.
I’m here to tell you today that everything you feel about that is ok. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to deal with this in your own individual way. I feel like I’ve been everything at one point or another. I’ve beaten myself up over the fact that it’s my fault, because it’s my body that doesn’t work. I’ve felt like a failure. Sometimes I even try to tell myself that I don’t want children just so I don’t have to feel so shitty about it all. I fantasize about being pregnant or rocking my child to sleep or imagine watching M hold his child for the first time. I have also felt jealous and envious of those that are able to have what I can’t. And then I feel guilty for feeling like that. But all of these feelings are normal and you shouldn’t feel bad for feeling this way.
But while it is perfectly normal to have all those feelings for me I learned that they are often too negative. I know for some trying to stay positive is like asking a fish not to swim. I’m not here to lecture you to stop being upset by the hand that you’ve been given. I’m just here to share my own story in hopes that you don’t feel so alone and however you chose to deal with your infertility is your own business.
For me personally, staying positive and hopeful is the only way I can make it through. I try to find the silver lining even if sometimes it’s a really really small one. The good things that have happened because of my infertility is the acknowledgment that I picked an amazing husband. One who is willing to do whatever it takes to give us what we want. If that means giving up meat, dairy, eggs, and processed food he’ll do it. If that means spending a ton of money on medicine and doctors appointments he’ll work overtime. If that means rubbing my back when I’m in bed crying over my feelings of uselessness he will. If that means going through a mountain of paper work and training to have a part time foster child he will. If that means one day adopting a child he will. He’s amazing and as I’m writing this out right now I feel like I don’t give him all the credit that he deserves. I guess sometimes it’s easy to make this about me but I just realized it’s about him too so here’s a shout out to all the daddies that aren’t yet daddies and for all you do to help ease the pain. Another silver lining that has come from infertility is what it has done for my own health and wellness. I’ve made it my mission to create a healthy body (yes, it’s still a big work in progress) and even more importantly healthy habits to pass down. Infertility brought me to writing this blog which I love doing. I’ve always loved reading and writing and this finally gave me an avenue in which to do it. I try my best to stay focused on these positive things because there’s not much I can do about the PCOS. I’m currently do everything in my power that I can and if that fails then I’ll go back to medications and medical procedures and if that fails then we will talk about adoption. Because despite it all I am hopeful and dare I say even confident that we will have a family one day. It may not be when or how I ever imagined it, it may include setbacks and rough patches but I feel in my heart it will happen one way or another.