Avoidance

I have been busy that is true as to why I haven’t written a post in almost two months! But there is truthfully the driving factor of avoidance that is here too. I didn’t want to write a post. I didn’t want to have to fess up and say I’ve been living like pre 2016 me; that is to say living like I don’t know better. The mind is a masterful thing. To turn a blind eye to your own habits, to pretend like it isn’t happening, to convince yourself it’s fine…epically masterful.

I’ve been eating whatever I wanted to. Vegan wise of course. I’m sure I’ll be vegan the rest of my life. Heath wise, a vegan incredibly processed, and fatty hotdog or hamburger isn’t much better than a regular one. Same as the vegan Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos isn’t any healthier than the Nacho Cheese Doritos. And vegan ranch dressing is just as fat filled and processed as regular. So why do I bother sticking to vegan junk? The environmental impacts are what motivate me. I love being outside. I love exploring uncivilized natural places, it’s what brings me peace and balance in my life. So for me I want to do my share in keeping the planet healthy and that is the single biggest thing any one person can do to promote a healthy planet. So that is why I remain vegan among other reasons. The point is that I wanted to clarify that vegan junk food is still junk food. Junk food = junk food.

My confession then is that’s what I’ve been eating. Mindlessly. With no thought to my health, body, wallet, reproduction….truly mindlessly. I convinced myself to look the other way and apparently duct taped my consciousness’s mouth so she couldn’t nag at me.

The biggest reason I think this happened was my utter frustration and obsession with my temping and reproductive setbacks. M’s super crazy work schedule was the second thing that led to my justification for all those poor food choices. But it started with my negative pcos thinking. I slipped into that pcos cycle: my body isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, that makes me sad and frustrated and upset, which leads me to not care about my body, which leads me to eat junk, which leads to worse pcos symptoms and repeats.

M and I have decided to work around this. My dilemma was I needed to stop obsessing and being let down daily by my temps and long cycles but I still wanted and needed that information that OvuSense could provide me. So we figured out that I would still use OvuSense every night but that I would give it to him on his phone to download that day’s temps. He would use a a new password so that I couldn’t login to it and that way we’d still have the data to look back on but it would no longer be the huge obsession of my day. I will have the chance to focus on the rest of my life again. I can focus on food choices and everything else. I can have a chance to think positively because I won’t know what my temps are doing. If I’m in a good mood I can focus more easily on healthy eating.

To be clear this is not an OvuSense issue this is a me issue. I like knowing what my body is up to and for a long time it was powerful to have that information. I still want that information as it’s invaluable however, I can’t have the day by day replay of it for right now. Perhaps in the fall I can do that again without it controlling me. So what about conception? We will do an every couple day bd schedule and if we get lucky that’s great. But I think I need to have my brain focus on health which will only benefit me long term for both me and a baby if I’m lucky.

Lastly, I will be continuing to take a break (as far as current me can see) on my blog. It takes me a long time to make each post and I just want to take a break from as many “responsibilities” that I can right now. I plan to be back writing much more regularly at the end of August. However now that I’ve said that to you all I’m sure as most things go in my life that it’ll be the complete opposite and I’ll just be bursting with thoughts to pour on the screen. 🤷‍♀️ So I guess we’ll all be surprised. I could probably update KKA’s instagram account easily though so look for those! Happy healthy rest of summer to you all!

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